Vote For Me

If America is primed for stupid decisions, I’d love to be their next mistake

We are still living in a world where Donald Trump is the President of the United States. That fact alone devalues the words President and United States. I struggle with the news cycle because with each new day it brings a fresh assault to the idea of basic human decency. If it’s not the clueless and vain way the white supremacist in chief responded to Hurricane Harvey it’s the way he sends his racist attack dog Jeff Sessions out to verbally assail immigrants while rescinding DACA. If you are searching for “good news” it would seem now that a few more persuadables have realized that the Republican Party is a cancer on our society and Trump is just the most malignant tumor.

I open with that to say that in this climate you would think a union of progressives and liberals would have found their core message in this environment. When it comes to presidential candidates it is a little early to actually be looking at any real politicians. There aren’t any that agree with me on every issue 100 percent of the time. So I decided to invent a candidate that does agree with me 100 percent of the time: Myself. I wouldn’t win but here it goes.

If I was a politician I probably wouldn’t do that well for several reasons. In an attempt to be pure I would unilaterally refuse any money from corporations, corporate lobbies, law firms, or any entity that has any stake in maintaining the current status quo of racial inequality in America. I would also vet any large donations from individuals within those types of organizations at a degree of scrutiny that is higher than that established by the IRS. I would do my best to recruit legal experts and scholars to poke holes in the Citizens United ruling and pursue overturning it with fury.

I would run on a platform of fixing our electoral system. First educating the public about the Electoral College, and gerrymandering and then explaining how both are systems designed to preserve white supremacy in the United States. I would demolish all “small government” conservatives by granting them their wish. If you are willing to publicly return all federal tax dollars and withdraw your reps and Senators from congress then you can shrink your state government to whatever size you want it.

I would be unelectable for even the local school board because I wouldn’t shy away from my atheism. At campaign rallies (which would admittedly be sparsely attended) I would speak freely. I would state unequivocally that black lives matter. I would trash charter schools for funneling valuable resources from public schools. I would tell the children of coal miners to dream bigger than their parents’ occupation because it won’t exist in 25 years. I would raise every teacher’s salary to be equivalent to the salary of their state’s Governor.

I would call Donald Trump a racist criminal and a vain coward. I would tell the Bernie Sanders and likeminded socialists to work with me to come up with an endorsable plan for free college and single payer health care (which I actually think are great ideas.)  I would pick a black running mate and not make a big deal out of it. (Two white people on a ticket are never forced to confront their racial homogeneity why should I and Vice President Killer Mike be any different).

When it comes to the tricky domain of international diplomacy I would reinforce the doctrine of mutually assured destruction that kept us all very afraid but free of nuclear war, while secretly pushing for nuclear disarmament behind closed doors without the pressure of an agitating media. I would decrease the U.S. presence in the Middle East while pursuing an energy policy that significantly decreases our reliance on fossil fuels in general and foreign oil in particular. I would only support military intervention in cases where United States or its NATO allies were attacked by an outside adversary.

I would pursue a tax policy that put money in the hands of the working poor. I would pursue an education policy that funneled the most vulnerable students into stable jobs instead of prison. Speaking of prison my criminal justice policy would no longer treat human beings as disposable. Funding for state and federal prisons would be tied to reduced recidivism meaning if you can’t train and/or educate the inmates for re-entry into society we’ll find a new warden.

Nonviolent drug offenses would no longer be criminal acts but instead require rehab and supportive counseling. Marijuana would be legalized and taxed. Grants would be given to districts with the most previous marijuana related arrests so that the communities most victimized by the war on drugs would benefit the most from this shift in priorities. A grace period for drug dealers over the age of 21 to become federally licensed marijuana dispensers would be given over a 4 year period. Anyone caught selling marijuana without a license would be subject to a fine and forfeit.

I would pursue an immigration policy based on the economic value that immigrants add to our society. With some taking the jobs nobody wants to do and others doing the jobs none of us are     qualified to do. There would be no Deferred Action for Early Childhood Arrivals because I would create a system to properly vet and place undocumented Americans (yes I called them Americans) on a path towards full citizenship.

If by some miracle I actually managed to get elected, I would most likely find out that there are some things about governing the most powerful nation on Earth that I did not consider. Since I would not be able to rely on the advice of the current occupant of the White House I would definitely seek the consul of Barack Obama. Unlike Trump I would take his advice to heart and do my best to learn the job.

The main thing preventing this of course is my rejection of corporate money and the fact that I am neither famous, nor a billionaire, nor a politician. I’d most likely be a horrible President. I’m impolitic, antisocial, I can be rude. I curse an awful lot. I’m a terrible negotiator. I have absolutely no poker face. I have never stood for the National Anthem. I’m not sure what truths we hold to be self evident. I would have a Playstation and an Xbox on Air Force One. Yeah I would probably suck at the job.

But so far I’m the only candidate I can trust. I forget who it was that said “Be the change you want”. I trusted our political system to vet and spit out qualified candidates for the highest office in the land. Yet since I’ve been alive George W. Bush was elected twice and Donald Trump once. Clearly I can’t trust America to make smart decisions. So if America is primed for stupid decisions, I’d love to be their next mistake. As a matter of fact that would be my campaign slogan “Vote For Me, America’s Next Mistake”.

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